One Man's Junk
by LucianCarter72
Summary: Wreck-Gar, leader of the Junkions, must defend his planet against an invader who prides himself on his vast intellect.


Space. We float gently through the stars, a comet whizzing past. Two stars the size of quarters in a binary pair are nearby. But now we come to the local star, massive in size. Pulling back we come to the planet JUNK. Even from space it looks rusted and dirty. Zoom down towards the surface as a narrator speaks.

NARRATOR

For centuries the planet known only as Junk was the repository for waste from dozens of nearby star systems. Then the Quintessons came to Junk. Using the materials available, a cornucopia of waste and refuse, they created the Junkions. The protectors of Junk.

Zoom down to the surface of the planet, a massive junkyard of all manner of discarded waste, spanning as far as the eye can see. One piece of junk comes flying from behind a pile and straight into the camera.

NARRATOR

And the leader of the Junkions was a robot known as Wreck-Gar.

The camera rapidly spins in an arc to come around the pile of rubble. Behind it is WRECK-GAR a red and brown humanoid robot with a white cap to his helmet-like head, antenna sticking back from the back of it and a prominent handlebar mustache and long, thin, pointed beard. He is going through the refuse, searching for something.

WRECK-GAR

Elementary, Watson. Can you find The Mole? Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

There is a sound in the distance. Wreck-Gar looks up to see something in the sky. It's not clear what it is, but it's coming closer.

WRECK-GAR

Guess who's coming to dinner? What's my line?

As the shape nears it resolves into a space ship. It's small, about the size of one person. It's shiny silver with a gray dome on the top that looks like it might house the pilot.

WRECK-GAR

To boldly go where no one has gone before.

The ship comes to a gentle landing and the canopy does indeed open. Seated inside is a humanoid, non-robot, being with a huge hairless head. The head seems out of proportion to the body and looks to house an enormous brain. The alien's body is thin and spindly. His skin is a sickly green, his eyes large. He is decked out in a jumpsuit that matches the silver of his ship. Various high tech items dot his shoulder pads, belt and wrists. He is BRAITOR.

WRECK-GAR

(calling to him)

Baw weep grana weep middybum.

BRAITOR

Ah yes, the universal greeting. My this place smells bad. I return your greeting, Wreck-Gar, leader of the Junkions. But I must inform you I am here to conquer this planet.

WRECK-GAR

(singing)

Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends?

Braitor presses a button on his left wrist pad and floats up out of his ship towards Wreck-Gar. He lands on his feet a few meters away from the robot.

BRAITOR

Of course you expect an explanation. For centuries cadmium was considered a waste product in this sector. However, using my incredible brain, the most powerful in the entire universe, I have found a way to turn it into a fuel source. Therefore I will be taking control of this planet to recover the cadmium. You and your people will be my slaves.

WRECK-GAR

Kunta Kinte! Kunta Kinte!

BRAITOR

I expected your resistance. In fact, I have already planned our entire fight. You will attack me. I will defeat you and your people's spirit will be broken. Take solace, I should have all the cadmium mined within fifty years at which point you will be free again. I'm sure I will enjoy it just as little as you will. I will, however, become extremely wealthy.

WRECK-GAR

It ain't over til it's over. Operators are standing by. They will never take OUR FREEDOM!

BRAITOR

Begin your attack now. Your personality irritates me.

Wreck-Gar grimaces then comes at Braitor swinging. Braitor turns a knob on his belt and it flies off and attaches to Wreck-Gar's chest. Wreck-Gar is just about to land his punch when a rocket flares out of the device now attached to his chest. The force is surprisingly strong and Wreck-Gar is blown off his feet backwards. He lands in a heap of broken Barbie Dolls.

BRAITOR

Physical violence is, of course, your first resort. Typical of unevolved thinkers. This should prove tedious.

Wreck-Gar stands and charges again. When he gets within a few feet the rocket flares again, once again sending him sprawling.

BRAITOR

The device has a proximity detector. You can no longer come close to me.

Wreck-Gar grabs the device with both hands and tries to pull it off. An electric charge emits from the device and through his entire body.

WRECK-GAR

L-l-l-louie the l-l-l-l-lightning bug says never pull the c-c-c-c-cord.

He lets go of the rocket and the shock ends. Smoke is actually rising off him.

BRAITOR

You will find the device impossible to remove. Nothing short of my death will disable the defense mechanism and I will live forever. Forever, surrounded by lesser minds. It will be a burden.

WRECK-GAR

Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

Wreck-Gar reaches to a holster on his hip and, from subspace, a pistol emerges.

BRAITOR

Ranged weapons are, of course, your next choice. I'd say this was predictable but, when you are as smart as I am, everything is predictable.

Wreck-Gar takes aim.

WRECK-GAR

Do you feel lucky punk?

(singing)

We got a right to pick a little fight, Bonanza.

Braitor adjust something on his shoulder. Wreck-Gar fires. A beam of blue light speed forth from his weapon. But a red field of energy appear as it reaches Braitor and the beam dissipates in a burst of sparks

BRAITOR

A force field to deflect energy weapons was one of my first inventions. When I was in diapers.

WRECK-GAR

Shakka, when the walls fell.

(singing)

I miss you like crazy…

Wreck-Gar looks around. He spots a piece of metal that looks like a discarded fender. He picks it up.

BRAITOR

Physical projectiles. Of course. The problem with being this smart is you have to wait for everyone else to catch up to you.

Wreck-Gar hurls the metal like a javelin. Braitor clicks his heels together and, just as the projectile is about to impale him, it stops and floats in mid-air.

BRAITOR

Magnetism is a basic force. You can have this back.

He clicks his heels again and the fender shoots back at Wreck-Gar, who just manages to dodge.

BRAITOR

Next you will look for something non-metallic.

Wreck-Gar spies a porcelain bathtub lying nearby. He runs to it, grabs it, and hurls it at Braitor. Braitor presses something behind his ear. Covers pop over his ears and a loud piercing sound suddenly rings out. Wreck-Gar covers his ears and the bathtub, shooting towards Braitor, shatters into a million pieces which fall harmlessly to the ground.

BRAITOR

A simple sonic generator renders your attack futile.

Wreck-Gar scratches his head.

WRECK-GAR

Fetch… the comfy chairs!

Wreck-Gar transforms into his vehicle mode, a motorcycle that looks just as shabby as he does. The device on his chest disappears from view. Wreck-Gar revs his engines then takes off in a circle around Braitor. Braitor looks bored with the entire proceedings.

BRAITOR

Let's get this over with.

Wreck-Gar veers in and steers straight at Braitor. A flare from the rocket can be seen but it's firing out the back of the bike, adding to its momentum. Wreck-Gar closes – and Braitor shoots up in the air out of the way. Wreck-Gar screeches sideways to come to a stop.

WRECK-GAR

(Singing)

Up, up and away in my beautiful, my beautiful balloooooooon.

Wreck-Gar spots a sheet of metal laying like a ramp. He turns and speeds towards it, using it launch himself towards Braitor. Once again the rocket fires as he nears but, even with the added boost, he falls five feet short of hitting his target. He lands on his wheels and again screeches to a halt.

BRAITOR

(Yelling down)

I have calculated the maximum height you can attain by launching yourself from the surrounding terrain. You will not be able to reach me. Transform and I will return to the ground.

Wreck-Gar transforms back to robot mode and, true to his word, Braitor floats back down to land near him.

WRECK-GAR

Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is.

Pipes emerge from Wreck-Gar's chest and begin pumping gas at Braitor.

BRAITOR

A chemical attack, a sign of desperation. However my blood is infused with nanites that filter out all toxins. You are wasting your "breath."

Looking disappointed, Wreck-Gar ceases the gas attack.

WRECK-GAR

Got that bloated feeling? Out at second!

BRAITOR

You have exhausted your options. I am simply too intelligent for you. Every logical action has been conceived. It is simply impossible for me to be surprised or caught off guard by any intelligent being.

WRECK-GAR

Intelligent? Let's play Jeopardy!

He tilts his head. There is a sound like audio tape being played extremely fast then the song "Dare to be Stupid" by Weird Al Yankovic begins to play.

Put down your chainsaw and listen to me

It's time for us to join in the fight

It's time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys

It's time to let the bedbugs bite

BRAITOR

Music? Is this what you surrender to?

Wreck-Gar smiles. Then winds up and punches himself in the side of the head.

BRAITOR

Self-harm? How will this avail you?

You better put all your eggs in one basket

You better count your chickens before they hatch

You better sell some wine before its time

You better find yourself an itch to scratch

Wreck-Gar begins doing ballet while yodelling. Braitor looks confused and agitated.

BRAITOR

Stop stalling and accept your fate.

You better squeeze all the Charmin you can while Mr. Wimpole's not around

Stick your head in the microwave and get yourself a tan

Wreck-Gar dances around Braitor to his ship.

BRAITOR

You do not have sufficient strength or firepower to damage my vessel.

Talk with your mouth full

Bite the hand that feeds you

Bite on more than you chew

What can you do

Dare to be stupid

Wreck-Gar points a finger at the ship. The end bends off and green spray paint starts surging forward. Moving his finger Wreck-Gar paints a happy face on the canopy of the ship.

BRAITOR

Your childish graffiti is not even sufficient to impair my ship's sensors. I do not intend to wait forever.

Take some wooden nickles

Look for Mr. Goodbar

Get your mojo working now

I'll show you how

You can dare to be stupid

WRECK-GAR

Sock it to me.

Wreck-Gar grabs a ruined TV set and sticks it over he head so he can look out where the screen used to be.

You can turn the other cheek

You can just give up the ship

You can eat a bunch of sushi and forget to leave a tip

Braitor rubs his temple.

BRAITOR

I.. I do not understand.

Dare to be stupid

Come on and dare to be stupid

It's so easy to do

Dare to be stupid

We're all waiting for you

Let's go

Wreck-Gar grabs several broken dolls from the pile he landed in earlier and begins juggling them.

BRAITOR

Those… are… not.. weapons.

WRECK-GAR

K-tel records presents… and now a word from our sponsors… and that's one to grow on.

BRAITOR

What are… what are you saying?

It's time to make a mountain out of a molehill

So can I have a volunteer

There's no more time for crying over spilled milk

Now it's time for crying in your beer

WRECK-GAR

Misunderestimate.

Braitor reacts like he's been struck in the head.

Settle down, raise a family, join the PTA

Buy some sensible shoes and a Chevrolet

And party 'till you're broke and they drive you away

It's OK, you can dare to be stupid

WRECK-GAR

Well gollllllllly! (broot toot toot)

(beat, serious)

The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it is only the people who make them unsafe.

Braitor is sweating an orange fluid as he rubs his temples.

BRAITOR

Nonsense. Babble. How can I predict? How can I process?

It's like spitting on a fish

It's like barking up a tree

It's like I said you gotta buy one if you wanna get one free

WRECK-GAR

England? England is in London right?

Braitor almost vomits.

Dare to be stupid (yes)

Why don't you dare to be stupid

It's so easy to do

Dare to be stupid

We're all waiting for you

Dare to be stupid

WRECK-GAR

I think gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.

Braitor sinks to his knees.

Burn your candle at both ends

Look a gift horse in the mouth

Mashed potatoes can be your friends

BRAITOR

No… stop… I can't take it anymore.

WRECK-GAR

Ketchup is a vegetable.

Braitor screams.

You can be a coffee achiever

You can sit around the house and watch Leave It To Beaver

The future's up to you

So what you gonna do

WRECK-GAR

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

(beat)

Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.

(beat)

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

(beat)

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

(beat)

I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

(beat)

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

(beat)

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.

(beat)

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

(beat)

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Braitor's head explodes in a shower of green goo.

Dare to be stupid

Dare to be stupid

Dare to be stupid

Dare to be stupid

Dare to be stupid

Dare to be stupid

Dare to be stupid

The headless body falls forward to the ground. The rocket on Wreck-Gar's chest falls to the ground. At once all the various devices on Braitor's body begin to spark and smoke as they self-destruct. The ship follows seconds later, all its internal machinery shorting out at once. Soon all that is left is more blackened junk, just like the rest of the planet.

WRECK-GAR

Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

He casually returns to the junk and starts rummaging around again.

WRECK-GAR

Elementary, Watson. Don't say the Password. Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?


End file.
